At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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