1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you told grandpa to call you daddy
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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