just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
