Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
