i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
