GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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