He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
