did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
