One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
