I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
