Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
