and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I am available for nakedness
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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