i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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