haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
