I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
