I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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