Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
