I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
