Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
