so explain again why im purple
no
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
