I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
