I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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