Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
