I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
