dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
