You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
is wine microwaveable?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
