VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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