I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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