I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
