Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
