Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
