lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
