You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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