Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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