i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
