Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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