i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
