Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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