I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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