the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
