Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
