I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
