she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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