The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
