Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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