just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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