Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
