Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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