be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
