No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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