my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
