last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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