OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
