I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
