btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
