I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
