Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize