No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
there is glitter all over my balls
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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