uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
