i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
